5.10.06

Choke

Many people define me as weird as they notice on me while I'm dealing with my feelings. Not that they're classifying my way of dealing with them as weird - they often classify me as such when I don't show any signs of being acting like that because I'm dealing with my feelings. And yes, I know that my way of dealing with my feelings in everything but normal. The thing is that I "live" things too much, or at least I "feel" them more than most people (or so it seems). I'm intense - and that's what makes me having such strong oppinions about so many things, and having so many strong feelings about so many things. The other thing is that I don't consider myself as one of those persons that don't live their lifes: for the best and for the worst, I, having only 23 years old, think that I passed thru a lot of things (once again this is how I feel, not necessarily true), passed thru a lot more than a person with 23 years usually had. All that, mixed between and with some extra ingredients of my personality, makes me a person that does two things simultaniously: allways relate everything with every other thing (like stuff that happened to me in the past), and to live/feel every moment in a preety intense way. It's not uncommon when I'm alone to cry and then to laugh in the same minute just because of those things that are happening in my head - an observer would just define me as weird or, most probable, nuts. Of course that I try not to have that kind of attitude in public (or near somebody else, for all that matters), but if the moment is too intense... I just can't help it. That happens more when I'm dealing with feelings like suffering. You can see me laugh and cry in - for instance - a movie: but what you can't see or understand is that "me being weird" in a kind of "protection system". Tonight (this is being written wednesday), when I got home, I felt that devastating choke once again - a wave of suffering so devastating that I spent several even phisicly painfull moments until finally I've managed to cry it all out.

I guess I've just never cried all I had to for those things I've been thru. Or maybe I'm just a weird or nuts guy trying to get an excuse. Eitherway, this night I felt really bad, I felt that in this past years of my life I've been trying to go on instead of crying it on - and I REALLY have to get over some stuff like Catarina's death two years ago,... and I can't remember when was the last time that I felt so alone.

No comments:

Post a Comment