October 05, 2006

Choke

Many people define me as weird as they notice on me while I'm dealing with my feelings. Not that they're classifying my way of dealing with them as weird - they often classify me as such when I don't show any signs of being acting like that because I'm dealing with my feelings. And yes, I know that my way of dealing with my feelings in everything but normal. The thing is that I "live" things too much, or at least I "feel" them more than most people (or so it seems). I'm intense - and that's what makes me having such strong oppinions about so many things, and having so many strong feelings about so many things. The other thing is that I don't consider myself as one of those persons that don't live their lifes: for the best and for the worst, I, having only 23 years old, think that I passed thru a lot of things (once again this is how I feel, not necessarily true), passed thru a lot more than a person with 23 years usually had. All that, mixed between and with some extra ingredients of my personality, makes me a person that does two things simultaniously: allways relate everything with every other thing (like stuff that happened to me in the past), and to live/feel every moment in a preety intense way. It's not uncommon when I'm alone to cry and then to laugh in the same minute just because of those things that are happening in my head - an observer would just define me as weird or, most probable, nuts. Of course that I try not to have that kind of attitude in public (or near somebody else, for all that matters), but if the moment is too intense... I just can't help it. That happens more when I'm dealing with feelings like suffering. You can see me laugh and cry in - for instance - a movie: but what you can't see or understand is that "me being weird" in a kind of "protection system". Tonight (this is being written wednesday), when I got home, I felt that devastating choke once again - a wave of suffering so devastating that I spent several even phisicly painfull moments until finally I've managed to cry it all out.

I guess I've just never cried all I had to for those things I've been thru. Or maybe I'm just a weird or nuts guy trying to get an excuse. Eitherway, this night I felt really bad, I felt that in this past years of my life I've been trying to go on instead of crying it on - and I REALLY have to get over some stuff like Catarina's death two years ago,... and I can't remember when was the last time that I felt so alone.

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